This year is 6 years without Pixel. I can talk about him freely and love that Edward talks about him as well. It has been a rough year this year as I see all the kiddos that were born the same year as Pixel get ready and head off to their first year of Kindergarten. Sometimes I sit and wonder how much different my life would be if he had survived. But then I remember that if Pixel had survived, we wouldn’t have Edward. It is probably one of the hardest things to have to think about and wrap my brain around. Of course I want all my boys with me, but knowing that there is no way I could ever have all of them with me is a knife that twists when I am least expecting it. Edward talks about him a lot and mentions that he wishes Pixel would have survived because he would have liked to have an older brother. Then I have to talk with him about how it isn’t possible and it is really hard to put that into words.
Rainbows are kind of my thing for Pixel. We found out he had died on the Thursday after Memorial Day. That Memorial Day a big summer storm had come through Abilene and after the storm there was a beautiful double rainbow (see picture above). One was bright and shiny and the other one was a bit more faded (like they normally are). That was also the last day that I know for sure that I felt Pixel move, so we are pretty sure that is the day that he died. I talk about it sometimes, but Pixel was a twin. After we had delivered him, I thought back to that Double rainbow and all I could think of was my twins. Bit who never got the chance to be bright and shiny and Pixel who was bright and shiny, but never made it to a full rainbow. The day after Pixel made it home from the funeral home, there was another storm and another double rainbow. I don’t usually see meaning in a lot of things, but grief and hormones does a lot to a woman. Now, almost every time I see a rainbow, it is a double rainbow. I see them a lot when I am having a hard time emotionally or when I am thinking of the twins. These are just the rainbows I have had a chance to take photos of in the years since we lost Pixel. I am only posting about this now, because it seems fitting that this year, a couple days before his birthday, there was another storm and a beautiful double rainbow was over our house. We could see it from our front porch, but if you went to the neighbors house, you couldn’t see it.
Another thing that made this year hard was a country song just came out and when I first heard it on the radio, all I heard was the chorus and I just started bawling. It is really hard to drive when you are crying and the last time I cried in the car like that was when I was on my way to the RE’s office after losing Pixel. I was crying and couldn’t focus so accidentally sped and ended up with a ticket. Whoops! Anyways, I have heard the whole song and while I know that it isn’t referring what-so-ever to stillbirths, I hear the chorus and I just can’t NOT think of Pixel. The song is “Peter Pan” by Kelsea Ballerini. The chorus goes:
“You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground
You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man
Peter Pan
You’re just a lost boy, yeah, I know who you are
You don’t know what you lost, boy
You’re too busy chasing stars”
I know this year was hard, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am fearful of all pregnancies (though I love babies and we want to have more). Hopefully this next year will be easier on me. From other mama’s who have walked the steps before me and have worn the path down, I am aware that milestones will be my downfall. So when his 10th birthday, his 13th birthday, 18th birthday, High school graduation days, and more roll around, I will just have to be prepared as much as I can. It is a little easier having two littles who are taking up a lot of my time, but sometimes when they do stuff, I wonder what he would have done too. Would he be as into Math and reading as Edward, or would he have been a quiet contemplative one who doesn’t do something unless he is sure like Morgan. I will never know.
I love you Pixel! May you forever ride the rainbow and chase the stars!