Last year, just before we found out we were pregnant, we found out that two of our other friends were expecting over the summer. After we found out that we were expecting, it was nice to be able to go through the pregnancy knowing someone else who was going through it as well. Unfortunately, as nice as it was during the pregnancy, it was equally as hard after we lost Pixel. Seeing the photos of the babies and seeing them slowly grow up on facebook knowing that our son should be doing the same things, it is definitely hard. Not that I am not completely thrilled for them since I would never wish this pain on anyone, it is just hard some moments.
So when we got pregnant, I was excited because we didn’t know anyone else due around the same time as us which for me was easier because I was thinking “well.. if something happens with Sprout, we won’t have other babies around the age ours should be.” It isn’t the best way of thinking, but after having a pregnancy loss, you try to mentally prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. (At least that’s what I do.)
So, over the last few weeks, I have heard from 3 different friends and family members that they are expecting. They are all due within a month or so of me. I am completely thrilled for them, but scared for myself. My mind immediately went back to what would happen if we lost ours again?
I absolutely hate this train of thought and it sometimes keeps me up at night. I know everything is looking good so far, but the pain is still there.
Since we are 19 weeks, if we were to lose Sprout now, it would be considered a miscarriage but I would have to deliver baby. After next Tuesday, losing Sprout would be considered a stillbirth and we would have to once again come up with funeral arrangements. I HATE knowing all of this. I want to go back to the innocent pregnancy where after you pass the first trimester you are in the clear. We know we aren’t in the clear for the pregnancy until baby is born, but we have spent this entire pregnancy just waiting. We are excited one day, then anxious the next and it is all just a wait until we pass the gestation of our loss. We still have 11 weeks until we get past that. Last year I thought the first 12 weeks were hard waiting through, and now we wait on pins and needles for the first 30 weeks.
So, now I sit here and just hope that each and every couple I know personally that is pregnant will bring home their baby. I know that 1:200 pregnancies won’t and I just don’t want anyone else I know to experience being that 1.
