This has been a very rough week. We are coping, but there are little things that make us hurt. One of the things we had been trying to cope with is now done. We have officially packed up all of the items that were given to us for Pixel. It was emotionally hard, but it was healing at the same time. (If that makes sense). It was hard because we had expected to need to use the items soon. Healing because we are putting them away for next baby, whenever baby arrives. We decided not to give any thing away because even though Pixel was with us for 7 months, none of the items we got were tied to him. I am at a loss as to how to explain it, but it is nice knowing that we will have stuff for next baby even if we wait until after baby is born to buy anything.
We talked to the fertility clinic and we have been benched for at least 3 months. We will be able to try another cycle in September at the earliest. We might wait a little longer after that, but we haven’t completely decided when we will try again. We did talk and decide that we would try 3 more times and if that doesn’t work, we might look into adoption. This is all down the road, but for us it helps to look forward. We are waiting until my postpartum appointment with Dr. Sinclair to see exactly what Pixel had and if there is anything we can do to try to prevent the cephalic disorder. I know we cannot do anything to prevent the amniotic bands except for having more ultrasounds and the pricier ones that give more definition of baby. We are also thinking about possibly buying a doppler so we can listen to baby every day or so. Next pregnancy will be hard and we probably won’t feel completely comfortable about it until we actually see our baby and hear it cry. I keep telling myself not to think about it and that it is down the road.
We also bought our tickets to go to California for Kendra and Lee’s wedding. We had originally only planned on leaving on Thursday and coming back Monday. Now we have decided to leave Wednesday and come home the following Friday. This gives us more time to spend with family and friends and we are hoping will help in the grief process. I still have a hard time talking about Pixel without crying, but I am getting better. Now I just tear up, but can still talk instead of not being able to talk at all.
~S