Darrell & Sharyn

This is a question I have been asked many, many times by random people who we run into. The waitress at the restaurant, the checkout guy at the grocery store, the bus drivers, they are all just trying to make small talk and it seems like a safe question.

The only issue is that it isn’t always a safe question. Sometimes it is painful. There are many people out there who have lost a child and this question is a tough one. There are two ways I could answer it:

1.) I can say ‘yes’. This, however, makes me feel guilty that I am denying the fact that I carried and delivered another son.

2.) I can say ‘no’. This leads to other questions starting with “How old is your other one?” This makes it into an awkward situation because if I say that he died, then they either feel guilty for asking or they ask what happened.

When I was pregnant, it depended on how I was mentally feeling that day. If I was feeling ok about things, then I didn’t leave Pixel out. If my emotions were on high and I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks you get (because when you mention a dead baby, there is a certain glaze of sorrow that someone automatically gets) then I say yes and mentally remember Pixel.

Now that Edward is here, I find myself getting asked more and more often and I hated have just the generic two answers. I have changed my response in the last few months. When I am asked this question now, I always respond “He’s my first laughing one.” This leaves it up to interpretation on the other end and leaves it up to me on my mood. Then I am never leaving Pixel out of the equation but I don’t always have to go into the ‘how’. I have definitely become more open to the fact that I have lost a child and I always mention my first born. It makes me feel like he isn’t forgotten and it is a way for me to share him.

Even though I know how much this question can cause pain, I still find myself saying it and I am trying to catch myself before I do. It’s just another change in my life after Pixel that I am dealing with.

One of our friends from Texas just posted photos of her son at the West Texas Fair and Rodeo. Normally I am fine and love seeing the photos. This time it was a little heartwrenching. Darrell and I would go to the fair at least once every year since there was little else we were interested in doing in Abilene. The fair had a petting zoo and we always went over to see the animals and feed them. There are tons of kids there every year and we were excited to take our kids there.

When I found out we were pregnant with Pixel and Bit, even though it was December, the first place I imagined them at was at the fair. I imagined boy/girl twins seeing the animals and their eyes light up. Of course, we lost Bit early, so I just spent time imagining Pixel at the fair. I couldn’t imagine boy or girl, but I could still see those blue eyes lighting up at seeing the animals. I knew the first year would be pretty dull as Pixel would only have been about a month old, but that second year when he would be toddling around, that would be mesmerizing for me.

So after losing Pixel in May, when we went to the fair in September, it hurt that we didn’t have a baby with us, but it wasn’t miserable. This year, seeing those photos, all I can think of is my thirteen month old should be wandering through and seeing and pointing at the animals. Darrell should be helping Pixel feed them and we should be enjoying the music.

This year is definitely hard. I don’t see Edward at the fair since I knew we weren’t going to be in Texas still when the fair came back around after he was born. I never really began to imagine a future with Edward during pregnancy since I was still anxious about him actually arriving. Now, instead of imagining the future, I stick with the present and enjoy every minute. We will probably end up going to a fair with Edward and I will see the joy in his eyes like I imagined in Pixel’s, but for me, it won’t be the same. It will never be the same.