I am a week late, but I needed to be in a better position emotionally before I was able to write this.
December 1, 2012 was a bittersweet day for me. It was my 28th birthday. It was a year to the day that we found out that we were pregnant and were so excited to welcome our first child. It was 6 months after we gave birth to our son and said goodbye. It was the first day of the christmas holidays without our son. And it was a day where we hoped we would have Pixel’s sibling in our arms in 6 months.
I have been really good as the months pass since we can’t go back and the only thing to do is move forward, but this month just wasn’t meant to be easy. I read a few blogs and a couple of them were expecting a child due around the same time I was. They all had their children, so when I read the blogs, I see what my son could be doing around this time. Pixel would be almost 4 months old now. It is hard to think that instead of having a 4 month old baby, I am starting my 4th month of pregnancy.
Other Baby Loss Moms talk about how it is bittersweet since their rainbow baby wouldn’t be here without the loss of their first baby, and I feel that. If we wouldn’t have lost Pixel, we weren’t planning on trying again for a sibling until September 2013. This baby is a year earlier than expected. Not that this baby is loved any less. If anything, we are loving and enjoying every day we have because we don’t know if Sprout will be taken from us at any point. We have gotten as much of an all clear that a doctor can give us at this point, but we know better now. There is no safe period. It sucks knowing that. I wish we had the innocence we lost in May.
When we found out that we were pregnant with Pixel, we were excited because that meant we would have a chance to give our child a fully biological sibling. We are giving him a fully biological sibling, but we will not be able to give Sprout that. Our donor retired in June 2011, so we will have to choose a new donor for any siblings. We are a little sad about that, but it was something we knew we would have to deal with at some point while using donor sperm.
We are now half way through the first year and while it does get easier, there are still days where I am taken right back to the doctors room. I have anxiety attacks whenever we go to see or hear the heartbeat. I get so anxious, I try not to cry and break down before they even put the gel on my tummy. Wednesday was my OB appointment and they put me in the same room I was in when the OB couldn’t find Pixel’s heartbeat. I was glad that they had taken my blood pressure already since I was sure it was through the roof at that time. It is hard having this much anxiety during a pregnancy, but I am glad that it usually only lasts about 24 hours leading up to the appointment. I am completely looking forward to Sprout bruising me from the inside because then, hopefully, my anxiety level will go down.
So 6 more months of anxiety with this pregnancy. 6 more months until we finish our first year without our son. 6 more months – 25 more weeks – 175 days. Time cannot go fast enough. I’m glad we at least have quite a bit on our plate so that it will feel like time is moving faster. June just seems so far away.
