Darrell & Sharyn

Today’s prompt is “What Not to Say.” Basically it is asking us if we have had anything terrible said to us after our loss.

I honestly don’t feel that we have had anything terrible said to us. Somethings were said with love from someone, but at the moment they said it, it came across as hurtful. We have learned that we need to see the reasoning behind what was said, not always the words themselves. This wasn’t something we learned just after the loss of Pixel though. It was something that we learned as we were grieving the loss of a biological child after our infertility diagnosis. It is a long learning process with many twists and turns.

The only thing that was the hardest for me was when people would tell me “I could never be as strong as you.” I wrote about my feelings on that here.

I know we aren’t suppose to just copy and paste items from the internet, but these quotes are something I feel sums up today’s prompt.

The prompt for today is “Memorial.” This is anything we have done in memory of our child.

Darrell and I have different ideas about things, so we haven’t done much of a memorial.

I have worked a little bit on a scrapbook for Pixel so I can look back and remember the happy times as well as the birth. I am nowhere near done, but I can only emotionally handle doing a couple pages at a time. We have put all of the cards we got from our baby shower and all of the condolence cards we got in the scrapbook. It currently sits right next to the TV underneath where we keep Pixel’s ashes.

We were just starting to get things organized and put together for him when we found out we lost him, so we didn’t have much for him that was “his.” Somedays it is hard for me not having things, but I know that it is harder for Darrell having things around the house. It is a compromise that we have reached and are ok with. Maybe someday it will be different, but this is what we need at this moment in time.

Today’s prompt is “Your Most Treasured Item.”

I don’t have a lot of items of Pixel. Mainly I have pictures and the memorial box that the Hospital gave me. I treasure the pictures and I look at them on a regular basis. It helps me grieve the dreams I had for him.

But I will say my most treasured item is the memorial box that the Hospital gave me.

Inside the box are his footprints, the clothes he wore (bloodstains included), the wristbands for both of us, and many of the other little things that newborns typically get. Every now and then I pull it out just so that I can see them and remember holding him. The most treasured item in this box is the footprints in plaster. The nurses tried 3 times to get it right since the plaster was to wet. They came in and said that they couldn’t get it to work, but they would give it one more try if I wanted them to. I did. So they tried it again and it was the best one of all of them. Someday, I want to make a reverse impression of it (where the feet are poking out of the surface instead of pressed into) and mold it so that I can paint the feet making them more visible. (Anyone have any ideas on how, let me know). I haven’t done it yet because I am to scared to ruin it since I know there is no way of getting another one.

The last Most treasured Item I have is of course Pixel. We still have to find an urn that we like for him, but he sits on top of our entertainment center and we say hello and good-bye to him when we leave. Sometimes I get the urge to take him outside into the sun, so I take his box outside and sit with him on my lap and just think of the 30 weeks we had together.

(This post catches me up. I am going to try to stay on top of them, but with us going away for a few days next week, there is no guarantee that I will. I will however, change the dates of the posts to make them line up like they are suppose to.)

Today’s prompt is “After Loss Self Portrait”

This photo was taken June 1, 2012. This is the day after I delivered Pixel. I sat in the backyard listening to nature and the wind blowing the windchimes while I thought about what we lost. Even now, I still tear up when I see the pain in my eyes. I am grateful we had an answer as to why our son died, but sad that he had to die.

This picture was taken by Darrell’s Aunt Ann at his sister’s wedding. This is 4 weeks after we lost Pixel. We have gone back into a love for each other and our friends and family knowing how much support we have. It still hurts knowing we wouldn’t be bringing home a baby like we had thought.