Today marks 4 months since we said good-bye to Pixel. I am still sad at moments, but I don’t expect the sadness to ever completely fade. It will get dimmer and dimmer, but never fade.
We have done a few things this month that have made me miss him more.
We went to the West Texas Fair and Rodeo with a bunch of friends. We always go to the petting zoo and feed the animals. It is one of the few things we do at the fair. I couldn’t handle going inside as all I could think about was that we should have had our one month old baby with us. I had looked forward to taking Pixel to the fair and seeing the animals. It was probably the first outing that I had thought about once we found out we were pregnant. I had to walk off and have a small cry for what should have been.
The month of September usually brings about the beginning of fall here. We mainly go by the nicer weather and thunderstorms. We had two big rainstorms this month. One was earlier in the month and I was excited for it because we definitely needed it. We had our biggest rainstorm this year these last couple of days. We actually got over 7″ of rain between Thursday night and Saturday afternoon. The whole town was fairly flooded and stayed that way for awhile.
The beginning of the storm took me back. We found out we lost Pixel on a Wednesday, but the doctor thinks he actually passed on that previous Monday which was memorial day. Memorial Day we had a huge storm even though it only lasted for about 15 minutes. After that there was a double rainbow. This storm reminded me of that day. The day where I should have been worried about not feeling Pixel move a lot, but instead, I was worried about the power going out while dinner was in the oven and about finishing up the stenciling in Pixels room.
I still love rainstorms and I love the fresh smell they bring with them. Now, I feel the need to relax and not worry about the little things. I sat around most of the rainstorm and just watched the downpour while everything flooded. I admired the job we did on our front porch area and how it isn’t flooding and splashing mud all over the walkway any more. I watched our cats wander outside during the times of light sprinkles to examine the puddles and taste the grass. I watched the horses across the way run around after they were let out during the periods of drizzle. I just relaxed and watched the world open up after a rainstorm.
I know that I have a lot of things coming up where we should be celebrating with our son, but instead, we will be living for him. The holidays are going to be hard, but I have to make it through them to get to the other side and hopefully be able hold Pixel’s sibling in my arms.
This was taken in Phoenix in October 2011. We had already had two failed cycles, but we knew we still had another one coming. We wanted children, but we were still happy to be a couple.
