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Mixed Blessings

Filed Under: Grief by skrdflute — Leave a comment
August 2, 2012

Today is a mixed blessings sort of day.

I switched all of my calendars to August yesterday and noted that we were almost to our due date. It made me think a little bit about whether Pixel would have been an early baby or a late baby. I should be prepping the house for my mom and sister to come visit, but instead it is a complete mess. Well, maybe not completely as we are getting ready for a garage sale next weekend to get rid of a bunch of stuff in preparation for a move back to California in the next 12 months.

But just switching those calendars made me sad.

Then of course, today Aunt Flo had to come visit. There is an upside and downside to this. Downside is that I should be fat and pregnant and we should be doing our final preparations for baby. Upside is that I am already back on my normal cycle. Being back on a normal cycle makes it a lot easier for us to schedule procedures and gives us a better idea of dates. Many women don’t get back onto their normal cycles until about four months after a stillbirth.

So if we go ahead and try again in September (we are still in talks and nothing has been decided), then our cycle should start up Labor Day Weekend. There are all sorts of if’s and’s and but’s in this situation. If we decide to try again in September and Aunt Flo comes back when she is suppose to, then we have to hope the doctors office is open over Labor Day weekend. And then if the medication works like it did in November, and a pregnancy takes, we could be looking at a due date of June 5. But if the doctor’s office is not open over Labor Day weekend, then we would have to move the medication out 2 days and take clomid days 5-9 instead of 3-7. I don’t know how that would affect things as we have never done that before. Or we could just wait another month and then I would be due July 4.

Honestly, if we don’t try again in September, I am thinking we won’t try again until January. I am almost against trying in October because I don’t want a Fourth of July baby. I have nothing against a Fourth of July baby, but our niece is a Fourth of July baby, and my cousin’s girl is a Fourth of July baby. So our baby would be the third baby on my side to be born on Independence Day. Granted, many babies aren’t born on their due date and if we ended up with multiples it definitely wouldn’t happen, but I’m not sure if I want to take that chance.

November is pretty much out of the question as I would be due around the same time Pixel was due. I don’t know if I could handle meeting all of the same milestones at the same time again. A pregnancy will be hard enough without it.

We could probably think about in December, but it would definitely depend on when things happen as the holidays are a bigger time for people to take time off. So January it would be.

I know that these are a lot of what-ifs. I am hoping that we are leaning more towards September as the first six months after a delivery is when a woman is considered more fertile. That is how things happened in November. I had my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) in August and you are considered highly fertile during the next three months as that pretty much cleans out the tubes.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all of these things lately. We have one more vial of sperm on ice. After we do that, then we have to save the money to buy more vials but since our donor is no longer active, we also have to decide on a new donor. It took us almost two months to decide on the donor we have. There are a lot more things we have to decide on if the next try doesn’t work, but we are also kind of hoping to try this last time before we leave Texas. The only reason for that is because the vial is already at the doctors office and we love our doctor. Either way, we shall see.

 

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Schlitterbahn

Filed Under: Photos, Travels by skrdflute — Leave a comment
July 31, 2012

We got a phone call requesting that we come spend a weekend at one of our resorts for our annual owners survey. We decided to go ahead and go to Schlitterbahn waterpark since we were going to be within half an hour from it. It has been something we were interested in doing since the first summer we moved out here and we saw commercials for it. So we invited some friends (only one was able to make it) and we headed out for a day of fun. The place was great and even though it was crowded, most of the lines weren’t that bad.

Because we hadn’t been there before, we went in the wrong entrance and then spent a good chunk of time walking all the way around the park to find the lockers for our towels and what not. We found the lockers and then headed to the bar to grab a drink before going to wait in line for one of the bigger rides, Master Blaster. Master Blaster is one of the rides that shoots occupants uphill. The ride was fun, but the wait was not. We were so glad that we had gotten the drink beforehand as we were in line for about 2.5 hours. They did sell water and beer at the top right before getting on the ride(at about the 30 minute wait mark), but it was a long wait until we got there.

The new side of the park was closed loop rides with treated water. We spent about half the day there and half the day on the original side. The original side uses non-treated water pulled from the nearby Comal River. It was really nice since the water was cooler and at the end of most rides, you were dropped into the river. Some rides you were able to float down the river for a little while before the end of the ride. We personally enjoyed that side more. There were a couple of fun rides on the new side, but we enjoyed the slow/fast mix of the original side rides.

So we had fun and it was worth the price once we figured things out. Neither of us got really sunburnt. The food in the park was actually decent. The drinks were ok. I’m not sure exactly what I think of a strawberry daiquiri made with wine instead of rum. It tasted good though. We might end up going back at some point if we are still here next year, but at least we can mark off one item from our list. We have a few more and haven’t decided when we will go ahead and mark those off. Knowing that we are coming up soon on our exit from Texas makes us realize that we need to do some of these things while we live here instead of traveling back here. We shall see. 🙂

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Front Entrance

Filed Under: Photos, Updates by skrdflute — Leave a comment
July 25, 2012

We have been working hard the last couple of weeks getting our front entrance set up and looking nice.

There are no really good before shots since it was a long slow process until we figured out exactly what we wanted to do. Proceed with obligatory before photos.

This is what it looked like in 2010 when we hadn’t done anything to it:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this was when we finally realized what we wanted to do with it:

 

 

 

So we got started with Darrell digging out the dirt down about 4″. Then he laid the weed fabric down:

Then the fun part was ordering 2 yards of rock to be delivered. We ordered pea gravel and Mini Cobbles:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We started with the pea gravel for the bottom layer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After we got the pea gravel in, we put the Mini Cobbles in:

When we finished with putting the first layer of Mini-Cobbles down, we called it a night since it had gotten dark and it was already 9 pm and we were both sore and tired. This is what things looked like when we called it a night:

 

 

 

 

The next day was the day we finished it all up. We put a second layer down and made sure it looked nice. We really like it:

So we are done with another project around the house. We have quite a few more planned. We shall see how far we get with all of them. 🙂

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Dr. Google

Filed Under: Grief, Random by skrdflute — Leave a comment
July 20, 2012

I should know better than to spend hours upon hours of my time on Google. But it seems to be what I do.

I started spending time on Google after we got our initial Infertility Diagnosis. It wasn’t a bad thing since googling was what made us ask the OB for a referral to a urologist to see what was wrong.

Urologist said it was Primary Testicular Failure. Googled that to find out that it was just a blanket diagnosis.

Spent more time on Google and had OB refer us to an RE. (Best google info ever!!!)

RE sent us to another urologist who gave us actual diagnosis – Klienfelter’s Syndrome.

Googled that to find out what we would have to watch out for (if anything) with the syndrome.

Used Google to find donor sperm.

Used Dr. Google to see what I was up for in the IUI and what to expect. Spent many hours reading about other women who went through the same thing.

Used Google to determine if beta numbers were good. Used Google to determine if a heartbeat was possible in Bit. Then I stayed away from Google. Things were looking good and we were seeing a doctor twice a month. I wasn’t worried and I had my innocence that once you passed stages you were in the clear.

*poof* – There goes my innocence.

I have used Dr. Google many times since we lost Pixel. I have googled about Encephaloceles, Amniotic Bands, How to prevent it from happening again, other mothers who went through the same thing, and lastly, when to try again after a stillbirth.

I know that I shouldn’t take what I read as whole truth. You can find something to prove what you want no matter what it is. I know that the Encephalocele and Amniotic Bands weren’t my fault, but I wanted to know if there was something I could have done differently.

Some websites just recommend taking additional Folic Acid (FA) because an Encephalocele is a Neural Tube Defect (NTD). So I went ahead and Googled some more. Turns out FA is a water soluble vitamin, so any extra is released through your urine. I also found out that when you have previously had a NTD pregnancy, then you should up your FA and if you are having twins you should up your FA to twice the dose. So I went ahead and bought some extra FA to take. I know we will be doing more fertility treatments and I know that we have a higher chance of multiples, so it can’t hurt. Especially since most NTD’s happen in the first 28 days.

According to Dr. Google, Amniotic Band Syndrome (ABS) is a rare occurrence and many mothers who have had a baby with it are only like 5% likely for it to happen again (which is the same percentage chance of it happening the first time). No one knows why ABS happens or what causes it. I have spent a lot of time on Dr. Google with ABS because of this. I know that I can take FA and have a smaller chance of having another NTD, but not knowing how to try to prevent what ultimately killed Pixel is hard.

So since we seem to have good luck with small percentages. I googled Encephalocele and ABS together. I don’t know whether that was a mistake or not. I found out that the type of Encephalocele  that Pixel had is actually an occurrence with ABS. When an amniotic band wraps around the head it can cause an Encephalocele. The downside of learning this is that there is no way of telling if the Encephalocele is secondary to ABS or not. So we could have just been extremely unlucky to have had both, or we could just have had one that makes the other occur.

I’m hoping that it is more of the “having one that makes the other occur.” The reasoning for this is that since ABS is so rare and less likely to happen again, if the Encephalocele was due to ABS, then it is less likely that it will happen again. Whereas if the Encephalocele was an actual NTD, then we have a higher percentage of it happening again. I know that there is no way of telling, but for my piece of mind I am leaning towards the NTD being secondary.

I know that I have to wait to see what will happen when we try again, but I also know that I need to relax about it. Last year we were anxious during our first IUI and I spent all sorts of time online looking up everything I could look up. It didn’t work. The second IUI I was just scared that it wouldn’t work and upset about the last one not working. So it was canceled after no response. When we got to our third IUI, I was just positive the whole time that it would work and if it didn’t, we would try again later. It probably isn’t much, but I think that being positive helped relax me and that is why it worked (plus I had a damn good response!). So I need to relax and stay positive and maybe the next cycle will work.

Dr. Google can definitely make you nuts if you let it. I still have a month and a half before we can even begin to try again so I need to start weaning myself from the doctor. He is making me a little bit crazy and I know that I will be be a nervous wreck the whole next pregnancy, but I need to start to relax. I know that I have to enjoy every minute of being pregnant even if it could end. My innocence is gone. I will never be in a “safe” week until a baby is in my arms and screaming. (or at least breathing).

We have a couple of things planned in the next couple weeks to help us get our mind off our due date, so I should be away from the internet for awhile (doubtful, but hopeful).

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Strong

Filed Under: Updates by skrdflute — Leave a comment
July 13, 2012

During our elongated trip to California, we were told by a lot of people that we were strong to be able to go through what we are going through. We were also told by many that they don’t think they could be as strong as us. I’m sorry, but many times I wanted to laugh at them.

EVERYONE is strong in their own ways. I believe that anyone can be as strong as is needed in any situation. There are many women out there who are put in situations worse than ours and they learn ways to make them strong so they can cope. It is a matter of knowing what you need to do for any given situation.

The only other option besides learning how to be strong is to be weak and let it take over. That, to me, is not an option.

I know I have let it be a main focus right now, but it is what it is.

Losing Pixel has taken away our innocence during pregnancy, but I am learning how to be strong so that it doesn’t take away my happiness. The other option is to let it take over me and not enjoy every minute I have with any future children. Whether it be for a couple days gestation or the rest of my life.

Darrell and I have discussed how we will be anxious during any subsequent pregnancy because of this. We will never feel “out of the woods” until we hear that baby cry. We have to be strong in the situation because if we aren’t, then the only thing to do would be to not try again. We have both always wanted to be parents, so we have learned how to be strong so we will be able to reach that goal to a living child.

Losing Pixel has also made our relationship stronger. We don’t take anything for granted and have learned that you need to enjoy every minute. We work through things so we aren’t focused on the negative.

My opinion on it all is that strong is relative to the situation. You can be as strong as you need to. Just learn what is needed in your situation.

I am lucky in that I have a spouse who is my rock. He helps me get through the rough days. He might not understand all of the emotions I go through, but he understands that I need to go through them and is there for me.

So my hope is that you will all realize that you will be as strong as you need when the time comes.

Don’t feel as though you couldn’t be as strong. The strength comes from knowing your choices.

~S

 

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